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thejoyofcooking
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Interests: Lightning bugs and walks on the beach holding hands with a jelly fish and getting stung repeatedly. My hand hurts so bad.
Expertise: I'm good at building tree forts.
Message: message me
AIM:  lighttheprocess
Member Since:
3/11/2005
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| So as afore mentioned I was put in a mental institution for waving my penis in traffic. This decision on the part of the judge was a poor one I believe, all she had was the testimony of four women cops, none of which had penises, and a woman lawyer, also without a penis; so how were they to judge what one with a penis does with it?
Anyway I was landed in "Ernest C. Plumphelder's Institute For Advancement In The Field of Mental Stability". The name is a very strange way of saying it's an insane assylum, I guess it's some kind of pre-'60s political correctness. They roomed me with a guy named Jermsley Tinkter and let me tell you he was probably the craziest guy i've ever met.
When we first met he seemed pretty normal actually. I sat down on my bed and he sat on his reading an old copy of National Geographic. For a while I was afraid there was going to be a long awkward silence between the two of us until he blurted out "Grains! Yeah...grains, I like Grains, do you like grains?" Startled, I kind of choked out a "Yeah, I guess" and before i realized what had happened he was choking me, holding me up by my neck against the wall and choking the life out of me.
"How can I believe you on that, man? I know my other roommates never understood the need for farming in this country."
"You'll have to believe me on it, sorry, But I agree it's too cheap to make food that will kill the people that eat it in this country." He loosened his hand off my neck and sat back.
"Did they take away your land?"
"I had no land"
"What did you do to get landed in here?"
"Waved my penis at traffic."
Of course when I said this he turned around and tried to avoid me for a while so he didn't have to talk to me. It was just as well to me, I didn't want to talk to someone obsessed with grains and livestock and all that useless shit, hail the american corporate giants. Anyway, it was about lunch time and I was starting to wonder where i could get some good midget on fat chick magazines. After asking around for a while I found out it was Johnny Doopsdale who knew all about the contraband, so I decided to seek him out.
I only had 10 minutes left of lunch so I had to hurry or else I'd have to jerk off in the mop bucket just to be a bastard. I walked through the dining hall which was just like a sea of crazies eating shitty spagetti that didn't have real meatballs in it. The whole food thing scared me here because who knows what they're putting in our food here. Jermsley was afraid of food you bought at the store yet he was scarfing down this presumptious meal like he knew it would be his last meal. So I walked up to a guy who looked like he was in charge of things and asked him
"What do you know about Midgets fucking fat ladies?"
unfortunately I did pick the guy who was in charge, the head nurse. After I woke up from all the tasering I decided it was time for the mop bucket idea so I headed down the hall and started contaminating the cleaning products. About half way through I started hearing some people talking. It was Jermsley and Johnny Doopsdale. The guy's voice I didn't recognize was I guess Johnny but no one can be sure.
"How can we be sure he's on our level?"
"I saw his brain sure enough."
"Fine with me but we'd better get some protection, you know how dangerous it can be"
"Yes"
Then they both laughed and started walking towards me, I quickly finished and got out of their way.
When I woke up the next morning I found midget and fat chick magazines neatly placed under my bed.
PART 3 NEXT TIME: THE ESCAPE
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| FUCK MAKING A NEW XANGA!
HA!
so I decided that I had some new stories to tell, as there's been a lot going on in my life of masturbation. So I have a three part story that I suppose I will post in three entries. AAAAAnnnD here's the first part.
It was about two weeks ago that I decided I would trat myself to some fancy pornography. As all the pornography I own happens to be japanese, it's not very high class. Now I thought, what would be better fancy pornography than french? French people I have heard pour wine and tobacco all each other when having sex though so I figured maybe english, but their sex involves boiling hot tea and crumpets, and I'm not down for that.
So as I was on my search I came upon a website, more of an ad, stating fancy porno at The Alan Webster Adult Video STORE. so I went down there on my classy old rickshaw with immigrants pulling me while I stuck acorns up my ass. it took about 3 hours to get there but when we did the store was closed.
This made me angry so I decided to wave my penis at the traffic in front of the store. Apparently this isn't too cool with the pigs so they came down and handcuffed me and charged me with indecent exposure and using immigrants to drive me around in a rickshaw. The trial was a gas, I just waved my dick at the court and told them how I needed to find fancy porno. So They found me not guilty by reason of insanity and I was sent to a mental institution. PART TWO NEXT TIME(My time in the mental institution EXPLAINED)
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| so i think i'm making a new xanga. i'll post the new address here, writing about my masturbation stories just kind of got tiring and sorry i haven't posted lately, but you know, there are just so many stories to tell and so little time, i'd rather spend my time jerking off than writing about it. | | |
| okay so last night
i was watching seinfield
and it was the episode where
jerry, elaine, george, and kramer
made a bet to see who could last the longest
without masturbating.
and i got to thinking, how long could i go
without masturbating?
so as of today i'm going to stop masturbating
and see how long i can go without masturbating. | | |
| so this weekend has been decent
i worked yesterday and then came home and got my turntable working
so i was able to jerk off to the art of noise, weather report, and cat stevens.
3 of my favorite lps
but then today it stopped working again
so i 'm going to have to resort to jerking off to jeff beck instead
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